I could sit knit-picking at everything that is going wrong and has been for the past few months. I've resolved to not doing so,although everything within me shrieks and wants to tell many people "off". While I do go on about a recent experience, I hope this does not give rise to harp on pain,rather illustrate to you ,more vulnerably,my weaknesses I have personally experienced inflicted voluntarily or not by others.
I recently got the opportunity to speak to a bunch of young people. I observed closely,more than I ever have before. At one point in the very beginning some young men probably disengaged and began talking while I was speaking. I have never experienced that before,certainly not amongst young men. I have been at a high school filled with many so called "juvenile delinquents" (while that is the label given to them, I do not agree to it) and had the opportunity on several occasions to speak to young men ages 12-18 on instructions and other topics. Never have I once received annoying noises,whispers,sarcasm,jokes,you name it. I figured if anything at all,they were not mentioning me within their conversations. Till a few days after. I was conversing with a young man whose girlfriend is certainly known at church. She had attended the youth group meeting where I spoke at days prior. All that was taken away from the conversation from her boyfriend was :" people were really making noise" while I spoke. My jaw dropped,whether internally or not, I was not able to recall. However I felt the strong sting of shame and discouragement. I felt as if all my work was in vain,that no one paid attention that was deserving of a heartfelt,Spirit-led message. "What did I do wrong?". I shutter to think about it even now.Whenever I begin to speak (which I have done at many places), I am greeted with absolute silence,respect,sometimes shock and praise at the end of my time from a "humbly enriched soul". These souls have molded me, have encouraged me in my pursuit for Truth and The Truth. They have honoured me where I needed honour,inspiration and respect.
There have been other messages I have heard by other members of youth organisations,not to brag, but I was not moved, and everything said was somewhat useless to me. Although if the message has aided another,God bless that soul (no sarcasm intended). It is something I strive for when engaging with any other human being. A deeper connection. A soul connection . Where I could peer through their eyes to the inner most being-the one that too, looks beyond my dark hair,eyes, and freckled caramel skin.
This feeling of lack,insecurity where credit is due pushes me thin. It has eaten away like termites through wooden textures and frames of my self-image. I resort to defense mechanisms,coined by Freud or rather his daughter where my confidence in my personal value is at stake. For years I have worn my "heart on my sleeve" so to speak, but I am way more reserved than ever about that. Like the thorn Paul talks about in the New Testament. I grapple with my lack of self confidence on many days. I have grown from its crippling power but-- I know that whatever was said about and to me which ate away at my personhood,was wrong. I was not.
--What is your thorn?
I cannot apologize for being this soul,spirit and person in this body. I was knit by You in my mother's womb and I am fearfully and wonderfully made,and I will praise You for Your works are wonderful. I know this full well.-Psalms 139:13-14
I will close with listing some of my insecurities,maybe you could too:
1. My uneven skin tone
2.My need for self-esteem boosts
3. My Canadian accent
4. My bodily marks/scars
5.My singing
6.My height
7.My speaking/Bible lessons
8.My upper Northern region
9. My tongue
10.My freckling/moles
What are some of yours?
Dear God, I know I am made fearfully and wonderfully made. I pray that you take away these insecurities. As I am on the journey of discovering what it is that causes you to enjoy me besides my imperfections. May these things be the strong points of my personhood. Would You forgive me for all my self doubt and abuse I have given this body. Would You encourage me to tune out of the talk that seeks to destroy my sense of confidence.Would You surround me with more people who are" humbly enriched souls" and cause me to be the same. Despite my past,Lord, You delight in me,break those chains off what was spoken over me for years,for You look at my heart,not what man sees. I thank You. In Jesus' name,Amen.
Dig Deeper:
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me".-2Corinthians 12:9
