In the Waiting Room

Ive spent quite some time within the span of one month inside or amongst the outskirts of the doctor's office. Maybe roughly 15 minutes on each visit throughout the month simply awaiting the arrival of my doctor to open the door to any visitors since her need for optimum security is of primary importance to her...like many others in Trinidad. I guess her absence of a secretary creates more distress than anything else too.

So I wait for her,outside of even the waiting room,hands or feet impatient,double checking carefully so that I have exact monies with me to pay for that one time visit. Funny how many things dont come with a standard or fixed amount. Rather, youre charged to varying degrees for varying problems your body decides to malfunction on. At least, for a lot of people, they go to the doctor to get checks on things causing them discomfort or are not otherwise normal or healthy within their bodies.Then the buzzer sounds and I hear a click indicating that I am back facing the reality of the situation. I am here, visiting the doctor again.I might as well open the door. This little girl behind me trying to coax her mom into coming with her to the doctor's office. Im forced to leave the little girl behind and shut the door behind me when I do enter.

For the second time this month. The reality sinks in, I hold my breath unconsciously aware of my bad habit and take a step forward opening her door which leads me into her waiting room filled with patients whom always change. So unlike the signs in her building,floors or her furniture which sadly deem a stench of 70s, little upgrades are made in her building. Oddly enough, she strikes you as the most modern or sophisticated doctor as I inspect her accessories when she talks with me as her patient.

Im stuck in a rut of despair. Unable to use my voice as effectively as I want it to be used. Especially for Him.Frustrated at the people around me who constantly repeat :" whatd you say? " " Can you speak up?' " I really cant hear you".Or even more frustrated at the ones who are never there for you even if it is there,in the presence or connectedness of prayer itself.Where did it all go? The reports around me arent nice...even from your own doctor and it seems harder than ever to see the efforts anyone around you can make in attempts to make you feel better. It's easy to give in but I'm holding onto scriptures so close and prayer to my first ever best friend; the God of my life. My one hope since all my resources are running down on me.I dont know the outcome of all this but through it all I know I dont want to lose my awe for Him.If I lose that, I might end up losing my passion.


In grace,

Kesara.

Dig Deeper:
Psalms 42

Recent thought provoker...

So below ive listed things on my mind thanks to a class ive been taking this semester. What a class indeed! Probably one of the most surprising as well.






The health care systems throughout the world would be something else to say the least. I find it difficult to describe this issue in its entirety I watched a great documentary which only focused on American healthcare. That topic seems all the rage now but needless to say im posting this wanting feed back from you guys. Hope it enlightens you guys.

Click on the links:





http://www.youtube.com/user/SickoTheMovie



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBtdsjAMfJIhow a

Sturm and Drang in Sublimity?

First off, my apologies to all fellow bloggers and followers for the rather long break in my blogging schedules here. This concept of blogging in itself is rather new to me since ive been keeping most thoughts about whatever inspires or disturbs me captive or only between the closest Here I am on this blogging experience attempting to settle with the fact that im sharing so many private details or thoughts humbly hoping that in turn, id inspire or encourage someone else.With all that said, bear with me and forgive me for any future delays in blogging here! :)


The new semester just rolled around with a cautionary yet ominous sound,the want for being lethargic is so uneeded here.This means, no more procrastination with regards to the piles of workload I have set out for me.These are times im grateful for other distractions or welcoming distractions for that matter,so I can at least regain some means of composure.For those of you who are solely committed to one thing in life, I dare you to expand your territory and listen out for Him.

In recent times, ive celebrated both the birth and death of a few things and strange enough, not many are aware of these things( I wonder why,right?)...we'll blame it on my introvertedness as a person.So, Ill categorize these births and deaths for you guys as follows although I must warn you that the births I have listed may not always be seen as something reputable:

Births:

• Familial conflicts have minimized
• New semester has begun
• New opportunities for ministry are available
• New relationships are being established
• Transitioning between two houses
• Less time to self is more common
• Busier schedules are on the roll

Deaths:

• Some relationships with close ones have simmered down
• Lack of attention from the parentals have seemingly disappeared
• Familiar opportunities in ministry
  
• Hours totally free to introspect etc.
  

My life couldnt be explained better than turbulence or "sturm and drang" as the Developmental psychologists might say...particularly Hall...(oh you interesting people)...
My next question:where do I begin? The storms and stresses that have influence on how I respond to someone and their blunt statements. It's funny how:

1. as much as hundreds of words are said within a span of 5 minutes,particular words would only stand out to an individual and one can easily dwell on those words(be it negative or positive words) and the interesting thing is, in just a matter of a month, ive analyzed this first-hand.
2. After those negative or positive words have sunk in deep within us,emotions are triggered.It's amazing how humans work.

The next question then becomes, how does one truly exemplify His love through all the circumstances they face? I refuse to believe that the mere fact of explaining what has occurred is where it ends. There's a deeper purpose behind it all. For me, I believe His want for me to walk out the love Hes shown is a major reason for me even being alive today. It is without doubt that somewhere along the line of all the sturm and drang, I would have developed some not so good habits including some inate responses when one says something totally offensive. My defense mechanism would be to automatically...well, defend myself...by whatever means?Im relearning how to not respond with my instincts but His fruit of the Spirit.Lastly, I leave you with these words to answer the question why walking by His spirit may be of relevance to you.

"A cross borne in simplicity, without the interference of self-love to augment it, is only half a cross. Suffering in this simplicity of love, we are not only happy in spite of the cross, but because of it; for love is pleased in suffering for the Well Beloved, and the cross which forms us into His image is a consoling bond of love"-FRANCOIS DE SALIGNAC FENELON

Dig Deeper:
Proverbs 8:17
Matthew5 :44-46
John 5:41-43
Galations 5.

In grace,
Kesara.

Prey Vs. Predator..

Does she lay soundly beyond the void?
Motionless in, without her steed. His weak voice on the other end, her mind filled with his evasiveness.

With animals,there are consequences as well as benefits to storage of bodily fats; additional mass arranged by the body can attribute to various problems. More specifically, the body is sabotaged.For an animal, increased movements suddenly decrease,making him prone to becoming a prey. Surely there is no predator here
.
What is a predator?A simple definition :One who victimizes, plunders, or destroys, especially for one's own gain. As surely as no one initially ever wants to become a predator; we are stuck at becoming preys. Preys of others,susceptible to all earthly conflicts,undermined,ready for the kill.

Suddenly,life isnt as simplified as it used to be and indeed "a battle rages" once you're awakened.Additional masses have been added for the many years she's been socialized under not so typical influences that one cannot withstand understanding her and if they do, patience always has its limits.For patience is unwarranted in a world like this.They are her predators.

She has been robbed of her sanity. Shes left in the cave-filled with insanity, to rot or be rotted upon. She claims her pride through being tortured since it is all she has left.Who will fix this?Her solutions are found in nullity of logic.

She peers through the mirror, but there is nothing, her emptiness is beyond understanding.A miserable piece unattached,with no sense of belonging.Her eyes gaze in across with apathy.If someone only showed her a way out.Would she have even taken this route? So high and distant,inescapable is she? She is a prey and predator.

His voice becoming one with her mind. Her insanity being put to rest.These are no murmurs.Who was that shadow that followed me?She asks.He cries, with a voice thundering, such mastery.:

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope for a future…”-Jeremiah 29:11


In grace,
Kesara.

Graded Christianity?

Are there different labels or grades in "Christiandom"? We drove soundly along the pathways of the highway,my words bouncing off the windows of the car as I went on talking about my recent challenges. I proceeded to explain,in all details the best that I could translate to another disregarding any smug looks and the fact that my words would potentially be ignored or unaccepted with a big pause and final statement like:" well, all young christians experience this". I was duped.

As words spun around in the air, I could sense the harsh looks from the driver as well. I explained that within recent times, I found it difficult to feel God's presence and although I had cried out, there was nothing. I couldnt comprehend this void in me or from where He ran off to nor why. I could hear nothing. I did as much as a sick person would to get better.Yet still,nothing.

I knew who this God was that I served and tried desperately to remind myself of the past victories with Him and all He had taught me. I knew of the "Biblically-sound encouragment" one would give you. It wasnt enough nor could it explain this undefiable emptiness He had left me with. Could you picture a love of yours, breaking,dissipating never to be existed?This my friend, is how it felt.However, I found myself in a loophole of despair that no one else seemed to have noticed nor could help. You have to understand my personality as well. It's the easiest thing to encourage someone else but difficult to be encouraging to myself but I havent given up and I'm certainly under construction where this is concerned.

Another misconception which was agreed by that beloved one whom I talked to on that drive was the fact that often times, we may commit certain actions which draw us farther from God and His Holy Spirit. Nevertheless, I repented for safety measures. It seemed as if this was not the case because my quest of pursuing nearness to God had lasted for some time and I do believe that He would have showed up, His presence would be visible in my own life had I sinned and repented.

I sincerely chased,crying and crying out were a daily task which even one day drove me to write a song to Him. Though the song remains in cocoon-stage, it was birthed through my desperation and need for His presence. It seemed like the writer from the Song's of Solomon:"So I looked for him but did not find him. "-Song of Solomon 3:2. A few more pushes in the other direction and my faith would have been lost.Would you classify this as refinement?

I listened cautiously to her advice and a pause jolted from my being( maybe filled with offence) as she labelled me as being caught in the "refinement fire". The word 'refinement' attempted to penetrate my being seeing that I would only ever use this word to describe a newly born-again believer in Christ. Was she categorizing me just like the others? Or was I in actuality, only being refined? I hated the word and shook it off in disbelief. I then realised how easy it is to fall into the trap of grading a Christian as even I have done this to others in the past. I find this to be very a fine line. Unless youre a tight- rope walker,I recommend staying away from here. I honestly believe that only God is in the position to judge someone or categorize them by all means.

Maybe it's how we turn the coin. I see my recent inner trials as an attack on my faith and needing evidence to believe. Another sees it as refinement through the fire. One thing is for certain, He has used it to build my faith focusing more on Him and His dependency...even through the despair and desperation.
I leave you with these words:

"We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table and the more their wills are interfered with the better. He cannot ‘tempt’ to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles."-C.S. Lewis.


In grace,

Kesara.

Secret Gratitude for Her...

Is it possible to ever have an entire year pass full circle and cheapen the actual day when it arrives? Provided of course that she's not dead nor in vegetable state.Which day you ask? Mothers' special day. You go the extra mile simply for that loving soul that bore 9 heart-wrenching months just for your birth. Of course, threats do remain in the air for some, you know the motto: " I brought you in this world and I can take you out".

Ive heard many stories for most of my life on what persons have done and what would be ideal for this lady called 'mother' in people's lives. Ive done quite some endearing acts myself when I think of it...even used real lemons and flowers in the process one year because I watched "Next Door with Katie Brown" addictively during my alone period. What is the ideal gift anyways? Do we send "thank- you" gifts or cards? I think, for years, ive done that.

This year was certainly different but truth be told, as many "holidays" are to me; they hold no meaning and are therefore not important to me. This sounds heartless,perhaps I should stop writing. Okay, I think not,must express thoughts and heck, I am in a writing mode! Who knew what very little sleep could do?!*Sighs with an intoxicated smile*. This year,a mere card was given and suddenly I realise just why things have downgraded themselves in relation to Mother's day and my own mother.

The cause has hit me like an apple bolting its way down a tree( thankfully nothing hit me in real like they normally do), my 'flesh of my own flesh' was not home for the day but worked hard and talked a whole lot more at another venue that day with her husband. I am not angry but it seems that as the years go on, this day has all too well mellowed into a typical day and its global significance is lost or scattered.


My mother is not a typical mother. Ive grown to see much of her faults from a very tender age and 'turning the other cheek' was definitely a must with her. As much as I dread and my tongue puts up a fight to ever delve into admittance; I cannot place the ideal definition for a mother/ wife the Bible provides on her nor can I recite the infamous :"For my Mother,may I inherit half her Strength". However,she taught me one valuable thing that id never let go of and im in constant gratitude for this. Though my dad was there in many ways than one for me when she was unable to; here's my thank- you:)


In grace,

Kesara.

Silent Love

Today I looked through a magnifying glass. The thought of worry trickled into my being, I had to call to him. The verdict was: bound to use to public passage railways or wait a few more hours for him to get there. There was a familiar silence on the phone from my end to which he responded: "how keen are you in traveling today?" Immediately the scene where Austen's adaptation comes to life in the scene as Elizabeth and dad are enraptured in conversation.
A silent one...but a conversation nevertheless.

The two just seem to know each other well,words do not need to be expressed, a simple exchange of facial expressions, a glance here or there and the two appear considerably more connected than her father is with his own wife.

Now, my relationship with my own dad has been a close one throughout my childhood however as it is with many girls who hit adolescence; that all changes. I became more attached to my own mother although it was quite evident that we could not find common ground to agree upon in mostly everything!

I wont brag but within much of my adolescence; I spent quite some time reflecting. One of the things I recall pondering on had to do with the fact that I began missing the relationship I once had as a child with my dad. Till one day I decided id get to know my dad more as a person. A smoking hippie, who loved the Beatles, the Monkeys, and all your heart's desires. In many ways, I saw myself as quite similar to him but as with many restraints; not much mending of our once lost relationship could have been restored.

As years passed, the notion would randomly find itself into my brain.When did we become so distant? I realised several things however may not list them all here. One of the few things I discovered in my early adolescence was the fact that my dad had been socialized quite differently to my own mother or contrarily to how I wished I had been socialized myself. When I speak of this process of socialization; I define it as mostly how I was parented. My parents were very much authoritarian parents. Similarly, my dad had been raised in the same way and thus a gap between the emotions and person was created.

To think a hippie- parent was adament or unyielding himself to expressing affections or emotions for much of my life.The many disappointments from him flowed in as the years went on. Yesterday though, I couldnt help but feel a sense of pride because without me having to say anything; he knew my thoughts.Automatically, my concerns, worries, etc. were known and he counted his possibilities and solutions. This traced back semblances of God's character in my life and simply a large part of who He is to all of mankind. Not quite a superhuman, one whom lacks expression of emotions or rather expresses all emotions through silence.

God Himself knows our thoughts, concerns or those worries. He knew the sinful condition we were in because the First fall would happen and he weighed his possibilities. I was once far off,unaware of what I was and who He was and with Him only, the entire building is joined together.With Him alone, can restoration truly take place because I see the need and urgency for me to be like that dwelling place for Him. It is because of the need for Him to become a dwelling place in me; thatI press on with my hippie dad. As distant as he appears for now,in his silence, there is love.


Dig Deeper: Ephesians 2.

In grace,
Kesara.

I am a Father. Author- Paul Rees-Jones

I am a Father,
so do I shield their eyes?
do I cover their ears?
Hold hands so tight?
Lie about this troubled world?

Do I change the subject?
Avoid at all costs?
Feign a deafness?
Pretend to sleep?
When asked important questions?

Do I huff and gruff?
Go red faced?
Forbid and cage?
Suffocate their growth?
When they decide to love?

I am a Father,
I need to talk.
I need to listen.
I need to answer.
and to let go.
And hope that love is enough.

The Question of Relevancy...

It's easy to remain in the guise of atheism and all its functionalities, give or take.Atheism, you say? Wait, a minute, I believe in God. Even if it's the God of the Bible that I happen to run into every now and then. Atheism provides an umbrella for the rest of the worldviews out there for example, existientialism, nihilism,agnosticism,humanism,rationalism etc. These all presuppose that there is no afterlife;after death that is it. Before death however, (provided that you did not cause your life's end) , if you struggle with something; suicide is a more likely alternative to solving your problems under this atheistic view as opposed to a theistic view where solutions are found in God and the understanding of the cross of Christ are given to provide solutions.

The question is then, what pushes someone to just give in?Is it environmental factors such as health problems,pressures from surrounding individuals, or is it the theory that nothing matters anymore?Nothing matters anymore, my life is meaningless,im here to just exist and be existed for but a time.I frankly do not care.

Rebecca was so stirred up, her eyes met mine in an engaging discussion on if parents really care about their( they-the average teenager's) well-beings. I asked for her reasoning behind why she believed some teens out there dont care about these parental views especially in a circumstance where one may be lost in a mall and unable to find their way out (particularly if they are the type to be hopelessly disoriented if a situation like that were to occur). She, very much gazing into the space that held her head in such a transe-like state, recollecting a perhaps recent memory spoke to me. Her words indicated that although one may feel disoriented, even feeling a sense of disownership ; a parent wouldnt care.

A parent wouldnt care. A sense of almost despair fell over the entire table of teens eagerly grapppling thoughts of whether their parents truly do care for them. In the New Testament, Jesus speaks of a parent who gives a child a serpent instead of bread to eat. His illustration was to teach us that He does care for us,that our Heavenly father, a divine God who was yet fully man cares for us much more. A parent He is. An ultimate example of what a parent should be.

My parents do not care(the cause),therefore I do not care(effect). A vicious cycle that at first glance can only be rectified if someone decides to stop the causal factor.Is it due to many "causals" in our lives that we can place claims or accusations on why it is that we are in a particular situation?Must it be until the pangs that life brings which glare us in the eye ,that the question of relevance will then be considered?

Ive heard frequently that everyday we face a moral decision. Relevancy of what you believe in and why are no longer a question to linger around. You do things because of what you believe in, it's understood. You do not need a grand explanation although reasoning has its place.
It is then safe to ask,what do you believe in? What determines your behaviour/actions? Are you careful with what you allow to dictate them?


In grace,
Kesara.